How To Be Perfect - The Daily Routine
Updated: Jan 28, 2019
Perfectionism. Something we search for but can never really find.
It must be there though, everyone else has managed it?
As it’s January, the internet is flooded with the idea of perfectionism; New Year, New Me, weight loss, gym selfies, detox tea, abs for miles. If it makes you feel unworthy, you can bet your ass the internet has it on repeat. It must be easy. We must be wrong.
Perfectionism is all around us. It’s so easy, we just aren’t good enough. Social media is helping us find our way. Influencers have so many secret miracles! Celebrities are sharing their secrets to success! I mean, if the Kardashians endorse it, it must be true. If someone with over 100K followers believes it, why shouldn’t we? If the celebrities use it, we can use it too. The evidence that perfectionism can be achieved is all around us. Just look at your Instagram feed, magazines, TV. They all wouldn’t lie now, would they?
Luckily for you, I have compiled a simple, and highly effective routine, on how to achieve perfectionism. It was so easy with all the miracle fixes pushed onto me from influencers, everywhere. I don’t know how I didn’t see it before.
I’ve taken one for the team, and made an easy to follow daily routine, so you too can be perfect. Just follow this step by step guide...
How To Be Perfect – The Daily Routine
3:50am - Wake to the sound of birds chirping on your balcony.
3:55am - Get out of bed, looking like a blessing from the gods. No bed hair, no dribble marks, or bags under your eyes. Just glamour and radiance. Remove your Calvin Klein’s set and put on your Gym Shark workout gear.
4:00am - Go for a simple 5-mile run. A gentle start to the day.
5:00am - Return from your run and take a photo of your glistening skin, caption it, ‘I normally only sweat after a marathon, today must be sunny’, and post it to your IG story.
5:10am - Drink some water – Not just any water, oh no. Pour your filtered, refrigerated bottled water, into a copper mug, with a metal straw, not forgetting to add ice and lemon. Take another photo, caption it, ‘New Year detox has begun’, and post to Twitter.
5:30am - Now time for some intense Yoga, to really get the body working. Wear your tightest workout trousers, and bralette to begin. Take a photo of yourself in the downward dog, caption it, ‘My morning stretch’, and post to Facebook.
5:46 – Do a line of quinoa.
6:15am - Shower, using only organic, cruelty-free products. The shower is mainly for effect, as your hair only needs washing once a month, your skin is pore-less, and your legs are often mistaken for a baby’s bottom, upon touch.
6:45am - Get dressed into some fresh, high-waisted Yoga pants and a crop top – You must be ready to squat on demand at all times. Best to be dressed appropriately.
7:00am - Make your daily 4 course organic vegan breakfast, ensuring it’s gluten, dairy, carb and substance free.
7:05am - Do not eat your breakfast. Instead, take the time to create the perfect flat-lay. Your breakfast will be cold, soggy and inedible by the time you’re done, but it’s totally worth it for the gram.
7:45am - Post your flat-lay – Caption it ‘Avocados are Life’ and await your mass following.
8:20am - Drink 7 gallons of green tea – Post a boomerang of you pouring the tea into your Urban Outfitters mug.
9:00am - Light your Diptyque candle and sit down in your office, adorned with marble wallpaper and inspirational quotes.
9:30am – 11am - Work tirelessly on building your empire. Blog, vlog and snog everything! Do whatever it takes. Find something you moderately like, and niche yourself to death, ensuring you only ever discuss this one topic. Heaven forbid, you confuse your audience by having interests.
11am – 11:30am - Post female empowerment quotes to your social media. It doesn’t matter if you endorse weight-loss tablets, or corset training. You are for all women loving themselves!
11:30am – 12pm - Don’t support, or help, any aspiring bloggers, vloggers, or snoggers, in anyway. You work on the internet, there cannot possibly be space for anyone else. You are the Queen of social media, first of her name, and those followers belong to you.
12pm - Prepare your lunch of ginger and wheatgrass, sip it slowly so your metabolism can burn it before you even finish. Gaining weight is not an option.
12:36pm - Do another line of quinoa, just to perk you up.
1pm – 2pm - Take a selfie. Take 5000, edit 2000 and post 1. Caption it, ‘I didn’t even mean to take this’ and post to IG, Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, Tumblr, Reddit and The Royal Mail. Everyone, everywhere must know how effortlessly flawless you are.
2pm – 4pm - Watch as your likes and comments skyrocket – Don’t respond to anyone, you’re too good for that. Just bathe in your validation. You can sleep well knowing the common people think you’re perfect.
4pm – 6pm - Take your diet supplements, and promote them to the youth of today. It doesn’t matter that puberty puts them in a cycle of insecurity and self-loathing. If they want to make it in this world, they must learn early on, that they aren’t good enough as they are.
6pm – 8pm - Bleach your teeth, fake tan, dye your hair, paint your nails, and wax the entire surface area of your body. Take another selfie once you’re done, caption it, ‘Why is getting ready for bed so easy for me?’ and post it everywhere.
8pm - Go to bed. Sleep soundly knowing that you have no troubles, flaws or worries. That you are perfect in every way. It is no concern of yours, that the mere mortals that follow you, have no self-esteem. Who cares if their mental health is being damaged every day, knowing they can never achieve what you so easily have? It’s not your fault you’re perfect.
I hope this ridiculous routine has shed some light on the awful pressures provided by social media, influencers and celebrities alike. 'Perfect' doesn’t exist. Perfectionism is a lie, designed to make you feel insecure, and buy into these shitty endorsements. You are too awesome to be ruined by this.
Happiness is real. Self-love is real. You are real. You are raw and you are wonderful. Don’t let society pressure you into believing you aren’t good enough. You are more than good enough.
The whole ethos of Misled Millennial is to inspire and empower you. To help you escape this pressured world and love yourself. I promised you we would start January the right way. I promised you 2019 is the year we take our lives back. It is and we are. Don’t fall for this bullshit. No one is perfect and no-one knows what they are doing.
Focus so hard on loving yourself this year, that you don’t have time to be fooled by social media.
Here’s to a little more realism and a little less judgement.
Always and forever, tight squeezes! X